News flash from Washington, DC---August 16, 2009
President Obama and Democratic Senate leaders have expressed a willingness to drop their ‘public option’ demand from any healthcare legislation now being proposed in Congress. This stunning development has the far left of the Democratic party enraged. “It is a big mistake not to include a public option in legislation coming out of the Senate”, responded House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi. “A public option is a great necessity to prevent greedy insurance companies from making unseemly profits off the backs of sick Americans.” Pelosi then boarded her private jet for an emergency meeting with key Congressional leaders in an undisclosed location in the Bahamas.
In order to facilitate a passage of a health bill that will include Republican support, President Obama is recommending the creation of a panel called the ‘Dietary Universal Management Board’. It is believed that this DUMB board will review ways to help Americans improve their diets through proper nutrition and an exercise regimen. As an adjunct to this proposal, President Obama is floating the idea of forming a compliance arm of the DUMB board called ‘Universal Family Alliance for Regular Tests’, or UFART. This compliance group will be comprised of Health and Wellness Dietary Police who will set up weight stations on selected roadways to spot check individuals for proper Body Mass Index(BMI). Anyone with a BMI of 30 or higher will be referred to the DUMB board. No word yet as to any opposition to this proposal.
Tropical Storm season is heating up as a system named ‘Claudette’ is forming off the Florida coast threatening to bring heavy rain and flooding to the Gulf Coast area. “Global warming, global warming” shrieked Al Gore as he heard of the seasons first Atlantic storm. “All these CO2 emissions are going to bring more violent storms; more severe weather and more destruction to our economy”, said Gore who then boarded his private jet for an undisclosed location in the Bahamas.
Meanwhile, a 1224-pound triple vanilla cupcake with pink frosting has entered the Guinness World Records as the largest cupcake ever. It was shown at the Woodward Dream Cruise classic cars event in Royal Oak, Michigan. It contained more than 800 eggs and 200 pounds each of sugar and flour. No word yet as to whether the DUMB board will be investigating this cupcake for excess caloric content, but Congressman John Dingell was heard to comment, in his usual deliberate manner, “this cupcake is great for Michigan. It’ll improve our citizens’ nutritional needs without having to involve UFART”.
This news clip provided by the Pete Morin News Service