The Environmental Protection Agency has warned Congress that, should they not pass a 'cap & trade' bill, they will implement tight restrictions on CO2 emissions allowed throughout the nation.
The Obama administration has found a way to reduce unemployment and enforce the EPA edict in one swoop. All unemployed individuals currently drawing benefits must register with the EPA. They will then be sent out in the community to monitor each household for compliance with a reduction in CO2 emisions. The administration estimates that one person can monitor approximately 20 households.
The following restrictions will take effect immediately. Monitors will report all infractions to the new 'Freedom Through Conservation Committee".
1) Dishwashing will only be allowed between the hours of 6 & 7 PM. Only 1.375 gallons of water can be used in the process of cleaning the dishes.
2) Toilets can only be flushed between the hours of 6 & 6:35 AM, and 12 & 12:55 PM and 8 & 9:30 PM. Any flushing at other than approved hours will cause the families' allotment of toilet paper to be reduced to 2 rolls/week, or 1 one sheet/use (aka the Sheryl Crow rule)
3) Car washing is strictly prohibited except by government approved washing centers.
4) All heating levels will be restricted to 62.875 degrees maximum in the winter and A/C levels will be restricted to 85.625 minimum in summer.
5) All lighting in the house must be restricted to the hours of 5-9:55 PM. Candles can be purchased at approved government candle centers should additional lighting be required.
6) All gasoline powered automoblies must be turned in to a government reclamation center to be either converted to electric/hydrogen powered use or be scrapped.
7) All government employees, including members of Congress and their staff will be exempt from these restrictions.
The EPA is concerned about the future of our planet and will take all necessary action to insure that citizens comply with the above rules. If an individual, or individuals, are found not be compliant wilth these restrictions ,on more than three occasions, will be sentenced to 5 years in Federal prison and/or a fine of $250.000. (to be paid in euros)
The EPA reserves the right to change all restrictions without notice to properly conserve the scarce resources of the planet and limit the emission of all greenhouse gases.