Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Pete Morin News Service--Issue #23

News flash from Washington, DC November 21, 2009

Now that the government healthcare bill is nearing completion with a vote due in the Senate, the URDEAD committee(see issue #1) has proposed the following guidelines with respect to medical tests and procedures that all doctors and medical institutions must implement when the bill is finally approved.

Breast Cancer screenings(mammograms)--once every ten years starting at age 75 for all women. None for men unless a transgender situation applies.

Pap smears for cervical cancer--once every five years starting at age 65 for all women. None for men unless transgender situation applies.

Lung Cancer due to smoking--pain medication only unless screaming due to pain becomes too loud. In that case euthanasia is recommended.

Prostate screening for men--once every ten years starting at the age of 70. More often if the prostate becomes the size of a grapefruit. Pain medication at that point with euthanasia recommended if the patient cannot walk.

Diabetes testing--once every 20 years starting at the age of 50 unless patient weighs more than 400 pounds in which case bread and water diet is recommended until the patient reaches the desirable weight of 65 pounds or less--at that point, euthanasia.

Regular medical checkup--twice starting at the age of 40 with two optional checkups possible. The third checkup must be performed as an autopsy.

Heart disease--anyone suffering a heart attack will receive medical attention only if they survive at least two days from the initial attack. All others will receive their $255 Social Security death benefit.

Stroke--medical attention will be provided only after a three hour time period after which the patient will receive botox injections and one free face lift. Additional face lifts will be billed at the normal rate, but will include the 40% tax rate as indicated in the health bill as a Cadillac procedure.

Walkers, wheelchairs, canes, pacemakers and other items will be provided only long enough for the patient to walk, or ride, to a euthanasia procedure.

The Congress has, of course, exempted itself from these guidelines. Also exempted are the following unions--SEIU, AFL-CIO, AFSME, NEA and all AARP Board members. Additional
exempted groups are ACORN, MOVEON.ORG employees and anyone who will sign a statement promising to vote for Barack Obama in 2012.

In a letter recently printed in several national newspapers, Nancy Pelosi has reiterated the strong support that she and other key members of Congress, as well as the administration, have towards providing excellent healthcare for the American people. She indicated that these guidelines will help Congress control spiraling healthcare costs so that money may be spent more wisely concerning any future legislation that may be required to keep America strong, prosperous and free on the international stage.

This news clip provided by the Pete Morin News Service

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