Friday, September 18, 2009

The Pete Morin News Service--Issue #21

Way, way in the future---

News Flash from Washington, DC, September 18, 2019

President Clinton announced today that the Treasury Department will suspend printing Federal Reserve Notes in $1,000 denominations. The President indicated only bills $10,000 and larger will be printed in the foreseeable future. “The inflation rate, having reached 75%, has forced the government to print only larger denominated bills”, said Harry Reid, the Presidential Press Secretary. The inflation rate combined with an unemployment rate that has now reached 46% has caused the government to be in session at only very specific times unannounced to the public.

Crime in the U.S. has now reached epidemic proportions in Washington, DC and other large cities including Newark and Jersey City, New Jersey. People in the last two cities mentioned have actually taken to exiting their homes in the dead of night to avoid paying the infamous New Jersey ‘exit tax’. Those desiring to leave the state must forfeit either their cars or home before being allowed to leave. New Jersey elected officials expressed concern that the state population is decreasing at such a rate that homeless, welfare, mental health and government subsidized work programs may have to be cut. “Because of the selfishness of a few inconsiderate, anti-government far right winger degenerates, the less fortunate of our state may be permanently harmed and forced to seek employment at the less than the mandated state $200/hour rate. This will leave us at a very disadvantageous position with regard to those states that do not have a great concern for their citizens”, commented John Corzine, State Appropriations Officer.

Meanwhile, nine Southern States have announced that they will set a date for a regional convention to determine whether or not they will remain in the Union. Alabama representative, Millard T. Fillmore expressed the belief that the new ‘Southern Union’, as he called it, will take a vote at the convention and almost assuredly will vote to secede from the United States. “The actions of the central government have left us with no other option but to consider leaving the Union. We understand there may be violence or resistance from Federal authorities, but we cannot continue to see our liberties and our freedoms vanquished by the ineptitude of a bloated, wasteful central government.” The Southern Union consists of Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, Louisiana, Georgia, North & South Carolina, Virginia and Tennessee. Officials from all the States indicated their support for the possible secession. The Clinton Administration will have a response at an appropriate, unannounced time.

In New York City, a brazen daytime robbery took place. An armored car, carrying approximately $800 billion dollars was robbed. The money was found on the sidewalk, but the truck was nowhere to be found. There were no injuries reported and Mayor Michael Bloomberg, vacationing in China, could not be reached.

The drought to the Central Valley of California continues without any respite in sight. HoneyBee Dimples, of the ‘Save the Smelt’ campaign has issued a statement saying that “no negotiation will take place regarding the Delta Smelt, or the supposed relief of the Central Valley farmers until the farmers realize that the Smelt must be protected at any cost. Humans have caused such great damage to the ecosystem that the demise of the farmers isn’t even on our radar.” HoneyBee and a small band of ‘homesteaders’ have appropriated the farming land and refuse to acknowledge any legal attempts to have them removed. La Raza is providing legal assistance to the ‘eco-warriors’.

MLB and NFL league officials have indicated that a new ticket pricing structure will be applied to all league games effectively immediately. “All fans will now be allowed to attend a game for only three innings in baseball and one quarter in football. This is necessary due to the fact that no fan can now afford to stay for an entire game”, quoted William Bufferbust from the combined MLB/NFL Wage and Price Stabilization Committee. “Since we now have to pay our professional athletes $100 million/game, it’s in the best economic interests of our league that we restrict attendance for the fans.” No word yet from the NHL/NBA Wage and Price Stabilization Committee as to whether they will follow with similar restrictions.

One final item; all professional major leagues will no longer play night games due to the fact that global temperatures have cooled significantly in the last twenty years making it too cold to play at night.

This has been a news flash from the capitol, Wash----ah, Buffalo, NY.

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