Monday, September 7, 2009

The Pete Morin News Service--Issue #17

News Flash from Washington, DC--September 7, 2009

The President is going over the final draft of his speech to be given to Congress on Wednesday evening and according to sources close to the President, a tip off as to whether he'll support a public option will be given during the speech. Apparently, if the President intends to include the public option in the healthcare legislation he will look more often, and read from, his left teleprompter. If he favors leaving out the public option he'll look to the right teleprompter. David Alexrod has intimated that all this will depend on whether or not all the sand has been removed from the left teleprompter; the left teleprompter having been damaged on the beach during the President's vacation.

Van Jones is officially out as the President's special Czar for Green Jobs. Evidently, the president was unaware that Jones was a 911 'truther' and somewhat radical on his views toward social justice and 'white polluters'. His references to Republicans as being 'A--Holes' was also somewhat contentious. The President appeared truly perplexed as to why he should have to ask for Jones's resignation. "I thought he would do a great job in providing green jobs to everyone and really take our country forward on a path to social justice by redistributing everyone's wealth. I was looking forward to nominating him to the Supreme Court when the next vacancy appeared." Jones has already been offered the position of Dean of the Yale Law School. He's expected to replace the outmoded idea of 'legal positivism' with 'green positivism.'

The President's message to school children will take place on Tuesday, September 8th and PMNS has learned some of the text of the speech. Evidently, the President will ask all children to march in a protest on Washington called the 'SCHIP BRIGADE". He'll also request children to report on their parents if they hear anything that might be considered 'fishy' about opposition to his healthcare legislation. John Dingell, Congressman from Michigan, was enthusiastic about the speech. "This is a great program for our future leaders. They can learn about their benevolent government and we can get some good fishy info from A--hole Republican parents," said Dingell.

Nancy Pelosi has returned from the August recess looking tan and relaxed as she debarked from her private jet. She was asked where she had been and what she had learned during the recess. "I've learned that everyone wants a public option in our healthcare legislation; that everyone wants to pay next to nothing for a premium; and that everyone loves Barack Obama, Harry Reid, Henry Waxman and yours truly. Also-"Republicans are A--holes." PMNS has learned that Pelosi was in Monaco visiting a plastic surgeon where nose reduction surgery took place.

This news clip provided by the Pete Morin News Service

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